How much do you know about farts? They stink, they feel good, and some sour-faced people think they’re rude. But farts are pretty interesting things.
Fart jokes go back thousands of years. There’s a religion that worships farts. People in the Amazon jungle fart to say hello. Farts have caused revolutions and almost started wars. Human farts are illegal in Africa and cow farts are illegal in California.
Fish fart. Astronauts fart even more. Even dead people fart. Farts can destroy the planet, but smelling farts can be good for your health.
Crack open a can of bean dip, grab a fizzy drink and a bowl of onion soup, sit back, and toot your butt off at the windy and wacky world of musical gas.
Fart Chemistry
Farts stink and you can light them on fire. So what are they made of?
An average fart consists of:
The smelly part is hydrogen sulfide. It is so powerful that, even though it makes up only 1/100 of a normal fart, one tiny poot can stink up a whole room. The British Army used concentrated hydrogen sulfide as a poison gas in the First World War. Maybe that’s why baked beans are so popular in England: they’re a secret weapon.
Hydrogen sulfide is also flammable, as are hydrogen and methane. Almost one third of a fart’s contents can catch fire. You could roast a sausage with flaming farts...but would you eat it?
Finally, farts also contain oxygen, but not much. If you breathe pure farts, it will keep you alive for around 15 seconds, if the stink doesn’t kill you first.
Stink Sandwich
Did you ever try pumpernickel bread? It’s a German dark bread made from coarsely-ground rye...which, as you know, is one of the gassiest grains.
The original German meaning of pumper is “fart” and Nickel is an old German name for “little devil”. So if you eat pumpernickel, you’ll fart like the devil. Yes, that’s really where the name comes from.
Pray for forgiveness to whoever is next to you when you eat a pumpernickel and onion sandwich.
Boy vs. Girl Farts
Do girls fart less than boys? Yes and no.
A study by fartologist Dr. Michael Levitt has proven that when men and women eat the exact same food, a woman produces a smaller volume of gas. But that’s only because female gas is more concentrated than the male stuff.
In other words, girls’ farts are thicker than boys’ farts, including the stinky part.
That means girl farts actually smell worse!
Cows Fart at Both Ends
Cow stomachs have four sections. The first section breaks down the grass and grain they eat.
When it passes into the second section, it produces gas. This gas forms for a reason: they need to burp the food back up into their mouths, so they can chew it longer. Those burps are full of methane, just like farts.
Of course, after the food passes through all four sections of a cow’s stomach and then the intestines, you can hear cow trumpets playing clear across a pasture.
But the funny thing is: there’s more methane in their belches than in what toots out behind.
So you can truthfully say that cows fart from both ends.
Emergency Farts
In 2015, sheep farts forced an airplane to make an emergency landing.
A Singapore Airlines cargo plane flying from Australia to Malaysia was halfway through the flight when the smoke alarms went off. After making an emergency landing on the Indonesian island of Bali, they discovered the “smoke” was actually accumulated farts from the two thousand sheep on board.
Farts on Fire
On April 15, 2016, a Japanese hospital patient set herself on fire with a fart.
Surgeons at Tokyo Medical University Hospital were operating on the woman with a laser scalpel. In the middle of surgery she farted, which the laser accidentally ignited. The resulting burst of flame burned the patient’s lower body and set the operating room curtains on fire.
Hopefully, beans were removed from the hospital food menu after that.
Roman Fart Riot
The deadliest fart in history happened in Jerusalem around the year 50 AD.
A huge crowd had gathered in Jerusalem’s main temple to celebrate the Jewish Passover feast, while Roman soldiers stood guard. One soldier bent over, bared his bum at the celebrants, and let out a big, noisy fart. Or, as the ancient historian Josephus wrote:
“He turned his breech to the Jews and spoke such words as you might expect from such a posture.”
The people were so enraged, they began hurling stones at the soldiers. The Roman Governor sent in more troops and weapons to put down the riot.
Everyone panicked and tried to escape, but the crowd was so big and the exits so few that they trampled all over each other. In the end, over ten thousand people were crushed to death.
All because of a single fart.
Fart Criminals in Malawi
Breaking wind is breaking the law in the African country of Malawi.
The 2011 Malawian Air Fouling Legislation states: “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the public, to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighborhood, or passing along a public way, shall be guilty of a misdemeanor.”
Does this really mean farting is illegal, both indoors and outdoors? The country’s Minister of Justice, a Yale Law School graduate, confirmed that it’s true. He advised people who don’t want a criminal record: “Just go to the toilet when you feel like farting.”
The next question is, how will the police train their sniffer dogs?
Fart Rockets
Do farts act like natural rocket engines in space? The universe needs to know!
When asked whether space explorers actually tried blasting themselves through the air by farting, astronaut Chris Hadfield replied:
“We all tried it. Not the right type of propulsive nozzle.”
The fact is, farts do have some propulsive force. In zero gravity and the vacuum of space, you could theoretically fart yourself all the way to the Moon...in 300,000 years.
But don’t despair! Urinating creates a stronger force than farting (yes, people have actually studied this). Thus, you can travel to the Moon 500 times faster by peeing instead.
